The Stories We Carry

“The stories we carry shape our lives” – Mary Patricia Van Hook

For much of my life, the story that I’ve carried about myself is that I’m indecisive. I don’t have strong preferences and am happy to go along with what other people want. By carrying this story, I’ve given a lot of decision-making power to others, and haven’t had to make too many choices for myself.

These choices range from small, seemingly inconsequential, things like picking a movie or meal, up to some pretty big things like choosing a career path and deciding what country to live in. But I’ve recently realized that my indecision may actually stem from a fear of crafting my own story. I’ve started noticing how often I say things like ‘I’m confused’ or ‘I don’t know’ and am beginning to question what’s underneath these words.

Saying ‘I don’t know’ often really means ‘I’m too scared to trust myself’.

I’ve learned that confusion and indecision can be protective. My past experiences have taught me that carrying this story can keep me safe. It means being easily accepted by others and leaving little room for criticism.

But in the long term, there is a cost. Allowing others to make decisions means falling out of alignment with our own needs and values. We can end up bending ourselves so out of shape that we don’t recognize who we are anymore.

Crafting a new story for ourselves isn’t easy, particularly if the old one serves a compelling purpose and has been repeated so many times that it feels like the truth. Slipping back into a well-developed groove is probably inevitable.

For me, one of the obstacles to crafting a new story for myself is feeling like I should know what that story should be and that it needs to be perfect before I can commit to it. This is likely another trap that keeps me stuck in a cycle of indecision.

So, what if we could hold lightly to our own stories?

Perhaps letting go of a story doesn’t mean clinging to another story, but rather it gives us a chance to audition a few different ones to see how they perform. Try some on for size, see how they feel, and observe how it changes the way we move around in the world.

Past stories can be thanked for the purpose they once served, but we don’t need to keep carrying them around if we don’t want them to define us anymore. Sure, we might find ourselves running back to them at times when we feel scared, and that’s ok. Our new stories can slowly unfold and evolve as we start making choices that move us closer in alignment with ourselves.