Getting to Know Yourself
It takes two years to get to know a new city.
This statement is something that I’ve heard quite a lot over the years. And as someone who has moved cities a few times, I can understand the logic. Everything that happens in that first year is brand new – sometimes it’s exciting, sometimes awkward, often scary.
But the second time around, you know what to expect. It feels less like hurling yourself into the unknown, and more like putting one foot in front of the other on solid ground. And when the foundation feels solid, it becomes possible to look around and explore with more intention.
In March of 2020, I decided that I wanted to be single for a year. As it turns out, this was an easy commitment to stick to in a global pandemic. But as I approached the end of that year, I was reminded of this statement about getting to know a new city – but this time it was shared in the context of getting to know yourself.
It if takes two years to get to know a new city, could it also take two years to get to know yourself? I was more than happy to add another year onto my singledom to find out!
Reflecting on that first year, it was a strange mix of feeling free but also untethered in an unsettling way at times. The second year has felt much more grounded. I knew I could do all the things I needed to do to survive, and suddenly there was more space to go inwards and get to know myself.
While I’ve mostly felt pretty content with who I am, I’ve also internalized a lot of messages that who I am isn’t quite right. I’m too quiet, too shy, and too sensitive. These things have always felt like personal failings that I’ve needed to compensate for in some way, at least around people who don’t know me very well.
But this past year I’ve started to understand why I am this way. Some of it might just be the way that I’m wired, and some of it is likely the way I’ve learned to keep myself safe. But once I began understanding and accepting these things through a compassionate lens, I noticed a powerful internal shift that I found difficult to put into words at the time.
Right as the shift was happening - with the most incredible timing ever - my wonderful sister sent me a journal with the exact right words embossed on the cover: you can be both a masterpiece and a work in progress. These two things can be true at the same time.
While there are things that I want to work on in order to live a life more in line with my values, it wasn’t until I accepted who I am that I’ve been able to grow in ways that I could never have predicted. It feels like a kind of calm confidence (which I think was always there below the surface) has been given permission to come out into the light.
This calm confidence has really helped me advocate for myself, but it’s also been interesting to see how it’s changed my approach to the outside world. Feeling compassion towards myself has allowed me to turn that around onto others. That thing that yoga teachers say about how ‘filling your own cup allows you to be more generous to others’ finally makes sense.
I realized that I’m sharing this post on Valentine’s Day, maybe as a not-so-subtle statement about my current view of traditional romantic relationships. But I don’t think you necessarily have to be unpartnered to get to know yourself like this, particularly if you’re in a healthy relationship where you feel valued and respected.
My hope is that sharing my experience might inspire others to get to know themselves with curiosity and compassion. I think these are two things that you can never have too much of, and the world could really benefit from more of it right now.
